part IVb : first time I feel,, how complicated it is...

one day...after 2 weeks... I was very shocked!!!
when I checked his facebook...
I couldn't find it!!!
I was so worried...
I tried to found it and found it...
but I couldn't find it...
I was very sad...
his profil was the only medicine for me.. it was my heroin when I missed him.. then.. suddenly it lost... I couldn't believe it
preassure, I need it!!
I sent him a message,, but it failed..
I tried to sent it again to his another number..
the same thing happened,, it failed..
I was so sad..
My tears dropped..m
y hearth beat slowly and hard..
it was so painful..
I couldn't smile..
I have no concentration for school...
it made me have many heavy burdens...

my friends supported me to face it...
and I promised my self.. I won't think about him... I won't look back and remember our moments......

after a long process...

I could handle it!!!! yea.. "I'm free!!!
hahaha...

one day..when I opened my facebook..
there was a friend request..
I opened it...
I saw...
that was his name!!
but it was not his picture...
I was so curious..
I approved it and opened it..

my conclusion was right...
it was him!!
I was very pleased!!! whoa!!
finally.. I meet you..!!
then we began a new conversation..
he's fb was hack

I made a little joke about it..
his fb was hack because it had a lot of sins...
LOL...

after some heavy days,,(we fought again because he always send me many messages)
we are in relationship,,
but,, he was not my boyfriend.
we just did special friendship...

since that time,,
he called me dear,, and so did I...

on a week...
we always fought and fought...
he annoyed me, blame me, again.. he was very possessive!!<
I didn't like it...

he asked me about our relation...
we'll we continue it

for the 1st and second times...
I forgave him and he forgave me...

but NO for the third time...
I told him,, we have to end our relation...

suddenly he begged me to forgive him, he was very sorry made me sad, annoyed me, made me angry..
(we talked and fought via sms and chat,,because we never met each other,,ckckck...)

I told him NO sorry anymore..
but he begged me again...

oh my,...

Finally I told him,,
"yes! I forgive you,, but don't blame me if I become cold,because I don't want to be your special one again"
he agreed with it....
ckckck


NEXT DAY...

after last night I forgive him...

Suddenly he came to my class,, with his friends...
he want to meet me,, said my friend...
then...

I met him alone...

OH MY GOSH!!

guys.

I don't want to insult him...

I just wanna say the truth...

he has no an outer handsome...
yikes..
he was dirty, fat and....
whatsoever...!!!!
I don't want to think about his outer,, i just want to know his inner...

but

do you know what he did...

after he saw me...
he didn't say anything to me,,
then...
he went away to me....

What the hell have you doing!!!!!!!!
that's what in my mind!!

after school...
I looked at my phone,,there was a message...
it was from him!
he said
"aku mau kita temenan aja,,aku ngerasa ga pantes buat kamu"
it made me very angry...
why didn't you say it in front of me!!!
that what was in my mind..

haizzz...
Since that time...
I know that he is a coward!!!
chicken boy!!
Liar!!
I call him,,,FPB!!!
and I don't care about him anymore..

after that..
I got a little feeling of someone.
and it was an awkward feeling...
I liked someone(fpb's friend!!!)long
because he had a same problem with me..
broken heart!!
haiz...
but it was not longer...

and I'm so glad...
all of those stories end...
now..
I have a new life and stories...

that's my love story till I'm in junior high school..
I'll tell you,, the newest stories
about my love story in high school(this time,,present..LOL)
how sweet, hurt, complicated and confusing it is....

..............................THE END................................................
but not the last ;o)

part IVa : first time I know you..

In 9 grade... my story a bit same as when I in 8 grade,, but there are more funtastic story..LOL...

when I'm in 9 grade... flo has graduated...
he was in the 1st grade of high school 10 grade...
I still in love with him...

I could say that,, he was my heroin..
LOL...
I I'm so happy when I could saw him, although from a long distance...
he was my power...
I'm so blind...
I can't fall in love with someone else...
just him the best in my mind...

in 9 grade..
I was in the same class with Indira(I call her my twin,,LOL...)
for the first time... we are not so close...
again...
one day we shared a story...
I told her about my feeling of flo...
she said that she had a same feeling like mine, too,, to someone else..(let we call him.... SE ..hehe...kidding dira...)

since that time...
we like to shared many stories....

btw,,,
what happen with shared??
LOL...
nevermind,,, :P

in 9 grade..
I became closer with Nunki and Indira...
we liked to talk, shared stories, do crazy things, made fool jokes.....
and I become closer with other friends too...
I know why it could be...

9 grade will be our last moment in junior high school...
we become closer each other...
we opened each other, we through our moment together...
that's the reason why., 9 grade is the best moment in JHS...hiks... I almost cry if I remember of it..cry because I'm so happy!!!! :D
there so many moments..{I'll tell you in next story... ;o) }

I don't want if I must lose contact with them,, my guys...
so I made my facebook...LOL.....

I won't talk about my facebook,, but I'll tell you my experience with my facebook...LOL....
that was my stupidity..LOL...

hmmm....
so...
one day...
there was some one,, he was a boy,, he added me as his friend,, so I approve it..
even I didn't know him
as usual,, I thanks to him because he request me as his friend

then the conversation began....
I asked him about his school and class...
he is in the same school with me...(Mater Dei)
I thought he was in 8 grade..LOL...
then he said that he was in 10 grade...

and suddenly....
he asked me about my status(single or in relationship)
of course I'm single.. I haven't a boyfriend..
then suddenly again...
he asked me be his girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!

WHOA!!
Of course I was very shock...!! LOL...
I just knew him,,
and I never know who is he...ckckck...

so I denny it
he asked why..
I explain him.. that we just know,, so that's impossible and I've promised myself... I won't have a boyfriend,, before my junior high ends...
finally,,he could understand it...

everyday we "wall" each other...
one day he asked my phone number..
I thought it's no matter,, so I gave it to him...
since that time... he sent me many message everyday...!! he just asked me.. "hello... what are you doing",, I just said "nothing,, what about you??",, and made we unfunny jokes!! yikes!! LOL...

2 things in my mind,,
1st... he wasted my time,, 2nd he wasted my credit phone,,big lol...!!
but I tried to be patient,,, but, sometimes he can cheer me up when I felt so bored and tired(I was making a preparation for my national exam!!),

sometimes he could be a fun guy,, but sometimes he very-very annoyed!! He so possessive, he always asked me, when I late to replayed his sms, sometimes he could made me felt guilty when I got angry of him(yeap.. I confess that I'm a selfish one,, but I don't like if I must feel guilty of something I never do!!)...
one day,, he asked me as usual...
"kok kamu ga bales sms aku? kamu gitu ya"
1 think in my mind... possessive guy!! who are you!!
but I tried to be patient,, I answer it
"sorry, aku lagi butuh ketenangan.. lagian, kamu ga perlu sms aku setiap saat juga kali"
then he answer
"oh gitu,, kalo gitu,, aku ga akan sms kamu lagi"
I didn't answer it...
It's fine for me and I don't care about it...
because I was to tired, sad and angry(as usual.,I got a bad day)

3 days later since that day...
I got depress
'I miss him..I need him to cheer me...I miss him...I miss his sms, his annoyed sms, his possessive questions!!!' that's all in my mind...
everyday... I open my facebook,, I looked at his profil,, especially his pictures and "walls"...
I haven't met him.. I wished that I could meet him, talk with him, laughing together and many more...
from his 'facebook', I knew him...
he was a kind of playboy,, he add so many girls, I saw their conversation,, he did the same thing likes he did to me to those girls... he asked them to be his girlfriend, and he flirt many girls!! YIKES!!!

but I still thought about him, "I need him",that statement whispered in my mind. and I follow it...
that's my stupidity...

....to be continue....

part III : love brings me to new-better live

one day,, I walked along school coridor...
I passed with someone.. again... he was a boy... he was smiling
I thought he was happy,,

when I saw him again,, i just realized that he had a smily face,,
wow...haha... I liked his smily face...
I didn't know,, why... after I was him..I always think about his smile
again...
I become a curious person...

I looking for many information about him...
I got it by myself,, no body knew it...again.. I become a quite person
in 8 grade,, I became a little quite person, I didn't like to talk many things to my friends.. I liked my loneliness,, I liked to do a reflection,, I looked back to my past,, remember many moments,, sad, happy, embarrassed,bad, sweet moments...8 grade was my heavy period..I got many matters, I often sad, cry, become a very quite and emotion person.. but I didn't like to bring my matter to my school,, every night I pray and do reflection,even I often cried alone in the night,and it can made me better, I didn't want to think about it after the bell rang,, because it would separated my mind,, and I'm so happy,, I could handle it...


my class was next to his class,, on monday...lol... I remember it
so every morning..
I saw him and his smily
yeap.. I confess that my first look of someone is his/her smile...hehe...
his smile could be a power for me...
I got unusual spirit after I saw him...
his smile was not the only reason of my power...
his personality too...
he was an active, smart, kind, wise, patient, strong, full of talents, calm, friendly, funny and unique guy..!!
his personalities were my reflection...
I saw my self...

I have my talents,, but I'm so lazy to be active...
so I tried to practice my talents...
I practice to play keyboard, I became a little active in class..
when I was in 8 grade...
I loved mathematic, physic, biology, music, english, bahasa Indonesia and religious lesson..(I don't mean to show off,, but that was a fact..lol...).. my score of those lesson and other lesson became higher and higher... my teacher choosed me to join some competition. Story telling for english (I got my semi final, although I was not won in final,, I'm so glad of it... Thanks God... :D) and mathematic olympiade (although I did nothing there,, my group fail in 1st section.. but it's okay for me,, I got free consumsion,,LOL....). He joined it too.. in another lesson..(I won't tell you about it...again.. I'm a close person for some story..lol...).. a long the time,, I looked at him again and again... I though about everything that I know from him... I knew,, he had a matter too,, but he never give up.. I felt so pleased when I saw him.. I was not pleased of his smile,, but of him, all of him...

I don't know why,, how can it be.. when I remember or see his smile... I saw that smile say "don't give up... maybe you have a heavy burden... but,He(Jesus) always loves you.. be a little light in the darkness.. show them the right way..." I still don't know.. how can it be?? is that voice come from my heart or my mind?? It's okay... I don't care about that..I love that voice...

I ever talked with him... just a little... very-very a little...
from that short conversation... I know he had a good voice..haha...
and I didn't know why,, when I stood beside him... my heart beat so fast, my cheek even my face turn to red, my blood flow fast...hehehe...

I can't keep that unusual feeling my by self,, I need to share it,,that's what I thought...
one day... as usual... I walk with Nunki (I call her pal..lol..)
we walked together since we are in 7 grade...
she like to share many story to me...
but I neither did that...
till one day.. when we stood in front of Mandiri Bank(my favorite place,when I waiting for my mom, I wait there every day after school till 9 grade..)
I told her many things about him,, from A-Z,,LOL....
I a bit nerve,,hehe...
and she told me about her special one too...
hehe...
oh yea...
we have a special call of him(my special one)..
we call him FLO...lol...
and we call her(nunki) special one 32..
hahaha.... special call for special one....


since that time,
we walk together after school, sent sms, met and shared story on break time...
there's no doubt between us,, we trust each other...
we often share many stories,, funny stories,,fool stories,,love stories,, sad stories, we did crazy things together... we sang our favorite song when we was in 4 grade,

the song was:
"ayam..ayam... ayam,ayam,ayam..."
"kwek..kwek... bebek,bebek,bebek"
"debby-nunki teman, bersahabat, YEAY"

hahahahahaha..... do you know?(especially for nunki, if you read this.... :D)
I laughing when I write this song..LOL...
short-weird song,, but has many story inside..LOL...

We were falling in love with someone..
Nunki know FLO,
she told me anything about him...
he is a great, kind person..
I'm not doubt of it..
LOL... I already know it..LOL...

Nunki has her own story...
I think that was a funny, sweet story...
1 same thing that I know..
1st time we felt that feeling,, when we saw his smile...
haha...
Nunki got that little feeling when she saw 32's smile..
so do I.. I got that little feeling when I saw flo's smile...

by the way...
what happen with smile??
haha...
so,, be careful, for you(especially boys) who have funny,great, sweet smile... maybe your smile could make me lose my mind...BIG LOL.... kidding... :P


8 grade was a great moment...
it was my time first time become a real teenanger,, I'm not a kid anymore..
it was my very first time, to feel my mind and heart separated.. it was awesome!! :D
I can feel what is fall in love, what is angry, what is jealous(hehehe....), what is hopeless and hopeful, what are secrets, what are friendship, how are boys look like, many more... ;o)

Flo's figure, personality, bring me into a big change...
I love him,, but he never know it...
yea... I know.. it's to pain..
but I don't want he know it..
yeap..
I love him, I know his personality...
but I don't know his real inside...
we are not close...
that's the reason why I don't want if he know it...

this is my unusual feeling... I love him.. but I won't let him know it
I think..my feeling of him is weird...
I can't explain it well...
I just can say... I'm so happy,, if I could see him again and meet him...
just that...

after a heavy year...
I can passed my days...
9 grade began....

...to be continue...

Part II : first time knowing it...

now my junior high story...
hmm...
I just entered my junior high,, and there was a student orientation period...
I was in 7 grade..
I saw,, another student,, he was in 8 grade,,wow... he's older than me....
I know, I just admire him...
I think,, he was not special...
yea... again.. he was a smart boy, and I thought,, he had a cute face...LOL...
My friend is his friend,, she know that I like him..
I became a curious person,, I asked her many things about him...
haha...
now... I just think,, that was a useless information,, because,, although I knew him, I did nothing..ckckck...
and she give me his phone number...hahaha...


do you know what I did??
I send him 2 message,, in that message I text him: "hai kak... sorry ya ganggu waktu kakak,, aku boleh kenalan ga?? nama kakak siapa?" (what a stupid question??!! I already known him, but I asked his name,,,wakakakaka....)

hahahahahaha......
I think that was a fool invitation...hahahaha....
till this time,, he haven't sent me back...
I don't care...LOL...

and I sent 1 message on his birthday...
I sent him a kind of poem...
and again,, he didn't answer it...
it's okay...

some of my friends,, know that I admired him,,
finally,, after lerned many thing from my fellas,,I can be an open person... YEAY!! LOL... ;o)

time by time,, my feeling of him was fade...
I didn't feel anything of him...
I didn't admire him anymore...
when he had graduated
I didn't send a message to give him a congratulation...

.....
I did a reflection
I realize.. I was wrong...
and I promise my self,, I won't do the same thing again for next time..

he is my first love...
when I already know what is admire and love...
I know,, I never love him.. i just admire him..

now...
my story,, when I was in 8 grade...

...to be continue...

part I : what's that feeling??

hmm....
Love....

what is love??
I'll confess..I don't know what is the mean of love...
but i know how does it feel and look like...
I think,, love is amazing!! It's like a magic, a spell..lol...
There are so many feeling of love
Love can colored your life
It could be looks so beautiful, so beautiful, even.. sometimes you can't describe it...
you'll speechless,, smile by yourself..hihi...it can make you singing...sometimes,, it could turn your face into red (o^.^o),, become addicted of it..

but it could be so horrible too...especially when you broken heart...
it can leave you so many pains, you can cry because of it, you can angry, sad, under pressure,
become a jealousy person(for some people)...

that's all about love that I know...
now,, I'll share my story of love...(I think,, it was a funny,,silly story..LOL)

I'll confess...

first time I fall in love,, when I was in 4 grade of elementary school,,BIG LOL...
do you know?? I doubt of my statement..lol.... I think,, I was not fall in love...I just admire him,, because,, I thought, he was a cute, smart and handsome boy,,,hahaha...(childish think)
but,, that was my very first time to admired someone.
Do you know what I felt? let me tell you..lol....

1.when I saw him from a long distance,,, I just smiled and thought,, "oh my...he is so handsome today...I like him!!! Let me kiss you!!!"..... hahahaha.....

2.when I saw him closer,, my heart beating fast,, my mind said "debby.... don't smile to him... and don't look at him,, think about another thing!! he'll know what you feel,, keep it..."

3.when I told with him,,, I never looked at his eyes,, I act like an easy going person...

4.every time and every chance,, I thought about him(what a wasting time??)...ckckck

hahaha....What a Childish THINK????

I'll tell you the truth...
I love(I mean,, like...hehe) him,, from 4-6 grade of elementary...
but I did nothing,, I just did those things(4 things above). I'm afraid if he know what I feel of him... I know,, till this time,, he never know it...but never mind... because it was in past...
he is my first love in my childhood, when I haven't know what and how is love,, when I haven't know about a boy....(my friends commonly are girls)ckckck....
oh yea...
as another girl...
I shared my feelings to my friend,,
do you know??
I shared that story,, only to one person,, no one knew it,, except, she,I and God(of course...)
really,, I brought a burden by myself, I didn't want to share it to another person...I a kind of close people... my mouth always shield...
many of my friends,, shared their stories to me, I liked to listen them... but I can't believe in them, yeap... that's my stupidity,I was so selfish, it's the reason why.. I like to wrote down all my matters in my diary(since I in 5 grade)... hehe...


It was my elementary story,,

...to be continue...

Love Story

"We were both young when I first saw you,..."

LOL....

it was a little part of "love story" lyric

I like that song...

but now I don't want to talk about that song...

Now,, I want to present (???)

my short love stories saga..
LOL.

so there will be short stories about "my love stories"

It's okay if you don't attracted of it...
I just want to spill what's in my heart and mind.. ;o)

I hope,,
those stories could be a reflection...
for me and you (if you attracted of it ;o))

Part II : first time knowing it...

now my junior high story...
hmm...
I just entered my junior high,, and there was a student orientation period...
I was in 7 grade..
I saw,, another student,, he was in 8 grade,,wow... he's older than me....
I know, I just admire him...
I think,, he was not special...
yea... again.. he was a smart boy, and I thought,, he had a cute face...LOL...
My friend is his friend,, she know that I like him..
I became a curious person,, I asked her many things about him...
haha...
now... I just think,, that was a useless information,, because,, although I knew him, I did nothing..ckckck...
and she give me his phone number...hahaha...


do you know what I did??
I send him 2 message,, in that message I text him: "hai kak... sorry ya ganggu waktu kakak,, aku boleh kenalan ga?? nama kakak siapa?" (what a stupid question??!! I already known him, but I asked his name,,,wakakakaka....)

hahahahahaha......
I think that was a fool invitation...hahahaha....
till this time,, he haven't sent me back...
I don't care...LOL...

and I sent 1 message on his birthday...
I sent him a kind of poem...
and again,, he didn't answer it...
it's okay...

some of my friends,, know that I admired him,,
finally,, after lerned many thing from my fellas,,I can be an open person... YEAY!! LOL... ;o)

time by time,, my feeling of him was fade...
I didn't feel anything of him...
I didn't admire him anymore...
when he had graduated
I didn't send a message to give him a congratulation...

.....
I did a reflection
I realize.. I was wrong...
and I promise my self,, I won't do the same thing again for next time..

he is my first love...
when I already know what is admire and love...
I know,, I never love him.. i just admire him..

now...
my story,, when I was in 8 grade...

Part III : Mimpi yang sesungguhnya telah nyata

Setelah libur yang panjang...
Tiba saatnya hari pertama aku masuk sekolah pilihan itu...

Aku merasakan semua aura baru di sekitarku
entah itu berasal dari seragam, cara berpakaian, penampilan dan suasana pagi yang penuh kecanggungan...

Hari pertama itu aku naik kendaraan umum ke sekolah,,
Aku ingat sekali, ketika sampai di sekolah,,
aku ingat pertama kalinya aku memasuki gerbang belakang sekolahku,,,
jujur saja,, tidak ada kesan menarik apapun,,
yang ku rasakan hanya keasingan...

setelah memasuki area SMA,,aku bertemu dengan banyak wajah asing,,,
tidak ada yang aku kenali sama sekali,, hanya beberapa saja yang aku kenali...
Kemudian aku memasuki ruang kelasku yang baru...

semuanya benar-benar berbeda...
Sungguh,, aura kecanggungan begitu kental di sekelilingku, sehingga aku merasa kurang nyaman....
Hari itu aku sudah berkenalan dengan beberapa teman,,
hmm...
mereka ramah...
itu kesan pertamaku,,

Aku juga berkenalan dengan teman lain yang juga anak baru,,
kami berdua merasakan kecanggugan yang luar biasa...
Akupun mencoba mencairkan kekentalan tersebut...
Aku berbicara banyak hal, bertanya berbagai macam hal,
semua yang aku tanyakan dan bicarakan adalah hal-hal yang sepele...
tidak ada efeknya...

seminggu berlanjut....
Aku masih merasakan kecanggungan yang sama,,
walaupun sudah mengenal cukup banyak teman...

Maklum,,
anak baru....
haha....
Dahulu, saat masih di sekolah yang lama, aku tidak bisa diam sedetikpun,
aku banyak bicara, bergerak, melakukan banyak hal...
berbeda pada saat itu,,
aku bungkam seratus bahasa,,
aku hanya berbicara sedikit,,itu juga saat ditanya atau di ajak berkenalan saja..
ckckck...

Itu yang aku rasakan saat minggu pertama aku beradaptasi,,
mencoba melarutkan diri dalam hal baru...

Aku senang,, aku sudah bisa melarutkan diriku dalam suasana baru itu,,
walaupun tidak sepenuhnya larut ;o'

Akhirnya aku bisa berbaur dengan mereka,
mengenal mereka lebih dalam(walapun belum dalam secara penuh)
Aku bisa bercanda, tertawa, berbicara banyak hal dengan mereka...
suasana belajar juga sangat kondusif,,
aku bisa mengikuti dengan baik,,
walapun tidak sepenuhnya mengikuti dengan baik...
"terkadang jiwaku melayang entah kemana"
hahaha...
itu sudah biasa :D

Aku merasa nyaman di sana, tentram, damai...
walaupun, terkadang masalah hidupku juga terbawa dalam suasana itu, sehingga suasana hatiku pun rusak,,
jujur saja,, aku belum mempercayai siapa-siapa untuk mendengar curahan bahkan "teriakan" hatiku...
mungkin mereka malah ikut tertekan,, bahkan mungkin saja mereka akan bingung dengan diriku...
Memang, aku adalah orang yang rumit, bahkan aku sendiripun tahu akan sulit bagi orang lain untuk memahami diriku, walapun terkadang aku bisa simple juga... ;o)

Hanya "Twin", "Pal" dan teman-teman lamaku saja yang aku percayai,,
mereka yang bisa mengerti aku... (buat kalian semuaTwin,Pal temen-temenku,, Thanks a bunch,, I love you so much!!!)
Tetapi tidak menutup kemungkinan bagi teman-teman baruku...
Aku yakin, dengan berjalannya waktu,, kita dapat saling mengerti... ;o)

Aku senang bisa mendapatkan itu...

Aku merasa aku sangat bodoh sekali saat menolak "pilihan" itu,,
Aku baru merasakan syukur dan terimakasih bisa di terima di sana....
Aku merasa sangat beruntung sekali...
Aku juga merasakan tangan-tangan Tuhan berada di sekelilingku,,
merenda "sesuatu" yang indah untukku..

Dan aku baru menyadari sekarang bahwa,,,

"Aku memang punya impian dan aku tidak dapat menggapai impian tersebut, karena impian tersebut bukan berada di atasku, tetapi di depanku... "
"Aku tidak memerlukan anak tangga untuk mendaki, aku hanya perlu berjalan setapak untuk meraihnya...."
"Aku mempunyai mimpi yang berusaha aku wujudkan,, tetapi usaha itu sia-sia,, karena mimpi itu telah menjadi kenyataan sebelum aku menyadarinya"

dan kebodohanku yang terbesar yang pernah aku lakukan hingga detik ini adalah...
Aku tidak mau terbangun dari suasana mimpi, padahal di depan mataku,ada kenyataan jauh lebih baik.... ;o))

Walaupun itu adalah kebodohan, tetapi aku tetap bangga melakukannya...
karena aku bisa mendapat hal yang lebih berharga dari apapun.. ;o)

~The End~

Part II : Hari-hari penuh kebimbangan

Setelah menjalani test dengan penuh keterpaksaan,
saatnya bagiku menunggu pengumuman hasil test...
Aku tidak bisa memperkirakan, apakah aku akan di terima atau di tolak, aku benar-benar tidak peduli dengan hasil test yang aku jalani,, yang masih ada di pikiranku adalah, bagaimana caranya aku bisa mengikuti test di sekolah impianku..
ckckck...
Tekadku benar-benar bulat,,
Selain memikirkan cara tersebut,, aku juga sering teringat masa-masa saat aku test di sekolah pilihan itu..

hmm...
Aku ingat sekali,, saat test aku mengerjakan semua pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu dengan sungguh-sungguh,,walaupun,, terkadang dalam pikiranku terngiang,, "kerjakan asal saja,, kamu ga mau di sini kan??",, tapi aku menampik pikiran itu... aku terus berusaha mengerjakan yang terbaik yang aku bisa,, aku antusias sekali mengerjakan semua itu....

Bahkan,, hingga detik ini masih terngiang di kepalaku 1 pertanyaan yang aku jawab dengan penuh dusta...
"apa alasan kamu masuk sekolah ini?"
awalnya aku tidak ingin menjawab, tiba-tiba saja, jari-jariku menulis sebuah kalimat dengan cepat "karena pilihan mama", awalnya aku ingin menghapus jawaban itu, tetapi yang aku lakukan justru menambah kalimat lain lagi yang hampir membuatku kehabisan nafas, aku menulis " karena pilihan mama dan saya sangat menyetujui hal tersebut"

HAIZ!!!!
Benar-benar pendusta!!

Hal tersebut masih terngiang hingga detik ini,,

Setelah test....
Aku malah merasa telah melakukan kebodohan,,
feelingku sedang membisu saat itu,,aku tidak memiliki firasat apa-apa,
aku tidak tahu, apakah aku akan di terima atau tidak..
Aku tidak mempedulikan itu sama sekali...

Setelah menunggu cukup lama dengan kebimbangan,
akhirnya hari yang di tunggu (oleh mama) tiba...
aku tetap bersikap biasa saja,, apapun hasilnya,, masa bodo bagiku..
Pada hari itu aku sedang sekolah,,,
setelah pulang sekolah, aku memegang ponselku seperti biasa,, menunggu waktu yang tepat untuk meng-sms mama...
akupun penasaran dengan hasil testku,, lalu aku meng-sms mama, bertanya apakah aku diterima atau tidak, lagi-lagi, tidak ada perasaan apapun yang aku rasakan..

Tiba-tiba, mama menelfon dan memberi kabar...

Aku benar-benar tidak tahu bagaimana cara menanggapi kabar itu,
akupun tidak tahu, apakah itu kabar gembira atau kabar buruk...
Semua perasaanku bercampur aduk, aku bingung cara menanggapinya...

Aku tidak tahu mengapa aku menyatakan perasaan senang saat mendengar kabar itu,,
bahkan aku berlari ke arah teman-temanku, menyampaikan kabar itu, seolah-olah itu adalah kabar gembira,, bahkan aku menitikan air mataku...
aku tidak tahu apa maksudnya..

Di terima...

itu kata yang aku dengar tadi...
1 kata yang membuatku bingung...

*****

Hari-hariku semakin memburuk....
1 kata singkat itu menghantui pikiranku....
"Aku akan di kekang di sana selama 3 tahun terakhir, mimpi burukku jadi kenyataan, aku tidak mau!" Aku masih bertahan untuk meraih mimpiku yang akan kudapat 1 langkah lagi, aku terus berusaha melawan kenyataan...
Bodoh sekali,, sebenarnya aku juga menyadari bahwa sekolah pilihan itu memang "pilihan"
tetapi aku tetap menghindar,,,
Aku menghabiskan waktu untuk memikirkan hal tersebut,,

hingga waktunya habis...

Impian untuk masuk sekolah impianku hanya tinggal impian saja....
1 anak tangga yang seharusnya bisa aku naiki untuk mencapai impian tersebut sudah hilang, entah kemana...

Akupun mulai berusaha menerima kenyataan,,
aku tidak mau berenang di lautan yang kosong,
yang hanya menghamparkan perairan luas, tetapi tidak ada artinya...
Aku berusaha menarik diriku dari nyamannya lautan tersebut...

setelah berusaha dengan keras...
Aku bisa menarik diriku,,
perlahan tapi pasti...
Lautan itu menyisakan luka, goresan kecil di tubuhku..
Perih rasanya..
tetapi, dengan berjalannya waktu,, luka itupun pulih...

Aku berusaha membuka mataku,
menyadarkan diri,,
inilah kenyataan,,
inilah yang terjadi,,,
dan inilah keputusan terbaik yang Tuhan beri dan aku tidak bisa melakukan apa-apa...

Setelah merefleksikan diri, menenangkan hati, menutup semua luka goresan yang masih tertinggal...
Akupun mulai berdiri,,
walaupun luka itu masih terasa menggigit, aku tetap bertahan, aku tidak mau merasakannya lagi...

Aku siap menerima sekolah itu apa adanya...

Part I : Mimpi yang membutakan

hmmm....
aku akui,,aku memang seorang pemimpi...
semua orang juga pemimpi,
tapi setiap orang punya mimpinya sendiri,,
begitu juga aku.

Aku punya segudang mimpi,,
yah..selama aku menjalani hidup yang nyata, saat aku sudah bisa menyadari bahwa aku memiliki mimpi yang ingin sekali aku wujud kan
[aku tidak ingat pasti,, sejak kapan aku sudah bisa memiliki sebuah harapan,, aku juga tidak ingat, apa keinginan pertamaku... tapi aku yakin,, keinginan itu tidak lebih dari sebuah boneka... ;o) ]

beberapa keinginanku sudah menjadi kenyataan,, sesuai dengan harapanku..
walaupun beberapa keinginan itu dapat di bilang hanya keinginan kecil,,
rasanya sangat menyenangkan sekali, apa yang aku impikan jadi kenyataan...
Aku bisa bermain keyboard, aku mulai suka membaca novel-novel yang tebal(dulu, aku benci sekali novel-novel seperti itu,,hahaha...), aku mengoleksi beraneka ragam sticker (sejak aku kelas 4 SD :D ), dan masih banyak lagi....

tapi,, masih ada banyak keinginanku yang belum menjadi kenyataan, masih banyak juga keinginan lain yang mungkin belum terpikir ataupun aku sadari,,, keinginan-keinginan itu berada di sekelilingku, masih tersembunyi....

Aku memiliki kisah yang cukup mengesankan bagiku sendiri,,kisah tentang 1 keinginanku...

Ini kisah singkat saat aku masih duduk di bangku kelas 9 SMP...

Sebagai remaja yang penuh dengan mimpi,,aku juga punya keinginan untuk masa depanku...
Pada masa itu, aku harus menentukan pilihan, untuk memilih sekolah lanjutan (SMA),, di pikiranku telah terpikir 1 sekolah. Aku sudah mengincar- incar sekolah itu sejak aku kelas 8. Aku ingin sekali masuk ke sekolah itu. Aku tau segala konsekuensi yang akan aku hadapi di sekolah itu, jarak yang jauh, pelajaran yang sulit. Tetapi, aku bukan tipe orang yang mudah menyerah dan pesimis, aku tidak akan menyerah mendapatkan apa yang aku inginkan. Aku berusaha belajar dengan giat dan keras, dan terbukti, nilai-nilaiku langsung membaik, bahkan aku telah membuat perkiraan-perkiraan, rencana dan menyusun waktu, seandainya aku berhasil masuk,, ckckck.... sungguh, pejuang yang tangguh, hahaha....

Tetapi orang tuaku, khususnya mama, sama sekali tidak setuju. Di mata mama, sekolah itu tidak ada apa-apanya dengan sekolah yang mama pilih. Karena tekadku sudah bulat, aku tetap berkeras hati, menunjukan aku bisa, aku mampu.

Pikiranku sering terbagi waktu itu, terbagi karena memikirkan aktifitas yang sedang aku jalani dan membuat pertimbangan-pertimbangan lagi...

hmmm...
Keuangan jika aku sekolah di tempat itu,, hmmm.... papa pasti bisa menanggung,, gaji papa cukup, dan aku percaya, Tuhan selalu memberkati keluargaku... ;o)

Jarak sekolah???
hmmm...
cukup jauh,,aku harus naik anggkot berkali-kali...
ah... sudah biasa,,
aku sering hang out, naik turun angkutan umum dari pagi sampe sore...
fisikku pasti masih kuat...

teman-teman di sana??
hmm...
kalau aku mau berbaur,, pasti aku bisa bergabung dengan mereka...

pelajaran???
ah...
walaupun sulit,, aku yakin, aku pasti bisa..
setiap pelajaran sebenarnya mudah, tinggal bagaimana diriku menerima itu..
aku harus belajar sungguh-sungguh, aku pasti bisa menghadapinya..
tidak ada yang perlu aku takuti...


ckckck....
sungguh pikiran-pikiran yang radikal dan terlalu optimis..
pikiran-pikiran tersebut yang hampir setiap hari aku pikirkan,
dan telah tertanam cukup dalam,,sehingga sulit untukku memikirkan pertimbangan lain...
tetapi tetap saja mama tidak setuju...
aku pun mulai berusaha sendiri..
yang membuat aku mulai berharap, mama mulai mendukungku,,walaupun sedikit..

mama dan papa mau mengantar aku melihat sekolah itu...

hmmm,,, bangunannya megah,,hanya sedikit gersang, tetapi aku tidak memikirkan hal tersebut, yang aku pikirkan,, itu pilihanku dan merupakan pilihan terbaik!!
aku semakin menjadi-jadi,,

bahkan,, aku menangis, merengek saat mama tetap memvonis aku tidak boleh sekolah di tempat itu,,,
(sekarang bagiku, itu teramat sangat konyol, hahaha..)
Aaaaa!!!
jiwa egois ku membara....
aku tetap bertahan, dan mengancam tidak akan masuk sekolah pilihan mama jika aku belum merasakan tes di sekolah itu...

Baiknya, mama masih mau mencari info tentang pilihanku..
info-info yang aku dengar, kebanyakan menyinggung sisi negatif sekolah itu,,,
yang katanya sulit, berat, bahkan bisa membuat orang frustasi jika tidak tahan...

aku menilai,, itu hanya pendapat orang,, mungkin anak-anak mereka tidak tahan,, belum tentu aku tidak tahan di sekolah itu,, aku pasti bisa...

mama telah menjatuhkan vonis akhir,,
aku tidak diizinkan,,
huft...
karena jarak yang jauh dan fisikku tidak mendukung, di tambah lagi dengan beban pelajaran, keuangan juga berat, walaupun papa bisa memenuhi..

bahkan, mama tidak mengizinkan aku ikut test di sekolah itu,,
karena takut, aku akan mendapat hasil yang sia-sia...

papa,,,
papa menyerahkan semuanya ke tanganku,,aku bebas memilih, tetapi, aku benar-benar tidak bisa berkutik jika mama sudah tidak setuju...

berhari-hari aku merefleksikan diri,,
hasil yang aku dapat sama saja,,pilihan pertamaku tetap yang terbaik,,
tetapi sebagian hatiku juga mengingatkan,, aku harus bisa sedikit menyenangkan hati mama,,
aku memang egois, tetapi aku juga harus bisa memikirkan perasaan orang lain..

akhirnya,, dengan berat hati dan sangat terpaksa...
aku menjalani test di sekolah pilihan mamaku

aku hanya berdiam diri saat ditanya ini dah itu..
aku tidak mampu menjawab,, paling aku hanya menjawab sedikit..
aku melihat mama terlihat bahagia,,aku tidak bisa menghancurkan hal tersebut
aku berusaha menarik bibirku yang membeku untuk membentuk garis lengkung favoritku..
aku meluapkan segala emosi untuk menarik garis itu..
dan alhasil..aku berhasil melakukannya...
aku berhasil memakai topengku di hadapan banyak orang,,
sungguh,, topeng itu pasti mahal sekali,,jarang sekali ada topeng seperti itu,,
topeng yang berhasil meyakinkan hati banyak orang...
tidak peduli siapa orang itu...

selama perjalanan dan persiapan,, yang ada dipikiranku hanya 2 hal,,
kutukan dan penenangan...

sebagian diriku berusaha membuatku tidak tenang, mengingatkan aku kembali pada pilihan pertamaku...
tetapi sebagian diriku, justru menenangkan diriku...
aku berada pada keadaan yang sulit pada saat itu, sulit sekali bagi ku mengontrol diriku...
aku merasa,,bukan pikiranku yang mengatur diriku,, tetapi ada hal lain yang mengontrol diriku,,dengan 2 sisi yang berbeda...
aku merasa terombang-ambing...
pikiranku sunggu kosong...

saat aku sampai di sekolah pilihan itu...
aku melihat banyak sekali peserta yang ikut..
dari dalam dan luar sekolah itu,,
bahkan banyak siswa dari sekolah pilihanku yang ikut mendaftar ke sekolah itu....

aku menjauhkan pikiranku dari pertimbanganku...
aku menenangkan diriku, berdoa dan berharap, aku mengambil keputusan terbaik (walapun dengan perasaan terpaksa)...

sambil aku menjaga diriku agar tetap utuh menjadi satu bagian, aku hanya mengamati dan mengamati, segala kekurangan sekolah itu...
aku melihat anak-anak di sekitarku, mereka asik dan sibuk belajar...
sedangkan aku,, tidak melakukan apa-apa, hanya bermain dengan handphone-ku...
bahkan sebelumnya, aku tidak melakukan persiapan apa-apa untuk menghadapi test pada hari itu di sekolah itu...

yang aku lakukan selama ini hanya mempersiapkan diri untuk menghadapi test di sekolah pilihanku...jadi untuk apa aku pusing-pusing memikirkan cara untuk masuk sekolah itu...
aku hanya mengobrol dengan temanku, peserta test yang lain,. walaupun hanya sebentar...
hatiku dipenuhi kekesalan,,,
bahkan aku berpikir, untuk mengerjakan test nanti seasal-asalnya saja...
aku tidak perlu mengerjakan semaksimal mungkin,,

Tetapi sebagian diriku mencegah hal tersebut, bagian itu berbisik "jangan, setidaknya kamu bisa menunjukan hasil usahamu untuk mencapai sekolah pilihanmu, dengan ikut test di sini, dan tunjukan kalau kamu bisa melakukan yang terbaik, soal diterima atau tidak bisa belakangan,,kamu juga sudah siap menerima apapun hasilnya kan?"

Setelah aku pikir lagi,,
hmm...
ada benarnya juga,,aku akan membuktikan pada ratusan perserta lain, bahwa aku bisa melakukan yang terbaik...
benar-benar, jiwa bersaingku saat itu sedang tersesulut,,, bahkan aku cenderung arogan,
karena sejujurnya aku juga menyadari kemampuanku,,
aku tidak mau bersikap munafik, seolah-olah aku tidak bisa padahal aku bisa...
aku selalu ingin menunjukan kemampuan, talentaku,, walaupun aku juga menyadari,, talentaku tidak sebanding dengan yang di miliki orang lain...

Bel berbunyi,,,
memekakan telingaku,,
dengan hati bimbang, perasaan canggung...
aku memasuki ruang test dan menduduki tempat yang telah di sesuaikan...

dalam hati aku hanya berkata..
"tunjukan yang terbaik"
dan aku mulai mengisi lembar test pertamaku...
matematika,,
pelajaran favoritku waktu itu..
hahaaha...

*to be continue*

I'm just a dreamer... ;o)

you may call me a great dreamer... ;o))

As usual..
I have a story to share...
as you know that I'm a dreamer...
I have so many dreams in my life,,
some of mine had come true,,some of mine, hasn't come true yet...
it's okay for me..
I can wait it.. :)

but...
I was a fool dreamer too...
??

let me tell you,,

I ever had a dream...
and I knew,, this dream about to come true...
I just need a few step to reach it..
I was eager to got it...
but....

I couldn't reach my dream...
I got something that I never want instead...
it was my greatest nightmare,, (I thought)
I was very disappoint..
with myself, my parents, event with my God....

I know,, I was selfish..but,, that's me...
that's my self...
however...
it's too late..
so,, I through my days with "something unexpected"

after a few-heavy times
I just realized my stupidity, that....
maybe
I couldn't reach my dream...
but my dream already come true with "something unexpected"

I was a great thing I ever got...
Thanks God... ;o))


maybe you can't understand what I mean in this illustration,, I'll tell you the real story soon,,, ;o)

My Regret...

I wanna kill this feeling!!!!
I don't want this way,,
the way how I loving you,,
it just add more pain in my heart,
although you never know it,,
but it's better if you never know anything... (-.-)

I feel,, my self changing,,I'm diffferent,,
I don't want this change!!
I want my self back,,
because I know..
it's better for us :o))

I just wanna be your friend,
your best friend, exactly...
I wanna be the one,,
who know everything about yours,
who will make you laugh when you cry,
who will wipe all of your tears,
who can feel your pains,
the who will hear all of your stories,,
I always there for you, when you want to spill all of your heart, your feeling, your sadness...
I could be your diary... ;o))
just pour your heart on "each page"...

I know,, it will be better than before...
trust me... ;o)

I promise my self,, I'll do the best for us, for everyone too...
I won't disappoint you,,

love you always...
~debby~